As most readers will know, the Weather Channel began giving winter storms names in 2012.
With the operating idea that the names would focus the public’s attention and, perhaps, give the Weather Channel a bit of the type of august authority possessed by the National Hurricane Center, which has been naming hurricanes since 1953, the Weather Channel risked the wrath of purists and gave people buying bread and milk one more thing to talk about in the checkout line.
Most meteorologists not employed by the Weather Channel have continued some version of thinly veiled disdain for the winter storm naming process, although for the biggest storms the name has occasionally broken through. An example: Winter storm Nemo, which dumped as much as 40 inches of snow in Connecticut and a couple of feet over a wide swath of New England, is widely remembered by its Weather Channel name, even among meteorologists.
All of this predates the winter from hell that 2014-15 has become in New England. The very idea that the Weather Channel’s final eight names from this year’s list will get used is enough to send most New Englanders looking for their next turbo-shot loaded Dunkin Donuts iced coffee.
The concept that additional names might be needed, well, that’s just beyond the pale. Like, way beyond.
So, as a public service for my fellow citizens of New England, I wanted to provide a list of the first six names, starting with the A storm, that the Weather Channel might want to consider employing, should the impossible happen. For those keeping track at home, the Weather Channel’s final eight storm names from its current list are: Sparta, Thor, Ultima, Venus, Wolf, Xander, Yuli, and Zelus. (Also, for those keeping track at home, these names, in and of themselves, should be enough to have someone put the winter storm naming program to sleep, forever, but that’s another story.)
So here are some suggested names from just one humble New Englander, with affectionate hash tags, no less:
Winter Storm #AreYouFreakinKiddinMe
Wintier Storm #BetterNotBeSnowingAgainImSerious
Winter Storm #CouldGodHateUsAnyMore?
Winter Storm #DudeJustKillMeNow
Winter Storm #EvenSnowLoversAreOverThisCrap
Winter Storm #FrickinStopItWithTheSnowSeriously
Additional names will be offered on an as-needed, and less subtle, basis.