You Might Live in New England

Cold weather in New England

If you have ever walked on water, you might live in New England.

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy …

If you currently own between three and five snow shovels, you might live in New England.

If there are half-empty bags of melt salt strewn around your home, you might live in New England.

If you consider checking the weather online, on the radio, and on TV upwards of 12 times a day to be “normal,” “acceptable,” or “mandatory,” you might live in New England.

If you’re currently pretending that the trees will ever have leaves on them again, you might live in New England.

If the quaint harbor you made a point of moving near enough to see is currently choked with sea ice, you might live in New England.

If you drink iced coffee all winter in some kind of psychotic Stockholm syndrome identification with your winter torturers, you might live in New England.

If you no longer look where you’re throwing snow with your shovel after the latest storm because your whole world right now is one big snow pile, you might live in New England.

If it is becoming less and less clear to you that you’re the same person who once went to the beach and enjoyed a pleasant afternoon, you might live in New England.

If you’re thinking seriously about buying a fourth pair of thermal underwear, you might live in New England.

If you have never bought a pair of thermal underwear and look down your nose at people who do, you might live in New England.

If it would disturb you in the night NOT to hear the snowplows driving by, you might live in New England.

If your kids demand to go night sledding after being cooped up all day during a raging snowstorm and you actually take them, you might live in New England.

If you have conflicted feelings about snow, you might live in New England.

If you have ever seen time come to a complete stop during wintertime, you might live in New England.

If you know what a roof rake is, you might live in New England.

If you know what a roof rake actually looks like, you might live in New England.

If you spent about five hours raking snow from your roof this week and are thinking about squeezing in just a few more later today, you might live in New England.

If you needed to replace your windshield wipers about 5 storms ago and may or may not get to it before spring, you might live in New England.

Feel free to add more in comments.

 

 

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About Harold Ambler

I am a lifelong environmentalist. I started my journalism career at The New Yorker, where I worked as a copy editor. Since then, my own work has appeared in The New York Daily News, The National Review Online, The Atlantic Wire, The Huffington Post, The Berkeley Daily Planet, The Providence Journal, Brown Alumni Monthly, The Narragansett Times, Rhode Island Monthly, and Providence Business News.
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4 Responses to You Might Live in New England

  1. sisyphus says:

    Harold, our shell house is buried beneath a white cocoon, our river is choked with ice, and we have our first regatta in four weeks. Please advise.

  2. Aaron says:

    Funny Piece Harold, Thanks for Posting!

  3. John W. Garrett says:

    Your need for re-education is duly noted.

    Repeat after me:
    Cold is warm.
    Ice is warm.
    Snow is warm.

Comments are closed.